No doubt you are correct but I am enjoying it.
On the plus side, when the drooling gets heavy enough you no longer have to take a shower..
Maybe it is time to think about retirement.
Where You Can Retire In the USA
There is no perfect place to live in the USA. Sure, you probably have your idea of where "God’s country" is, but at best it only comes close to paradise; every place has drawbacks to offset its advantages. Hawaii, for example, has the kind of climate most of us would enjoy, but the cost of living there is terrible, because anything that can’t be made or grown locally has to be transported across the ocean. And every part of the nation has to deal with natural disasters at one time or another: blizzards, tornadoes, floods, etc. I heard once that when it comes to natural disasters, Utah is probably the safest state, because hurricanes, earthquakes and volcanoes never strike there -- but Utah still gets some fierce thunderstorms.
Anyway, if you are looking for a place to retire, here is what you can expect from several retirement havens.
You can retire to Seattle where:
You can rust, grow moss on your back and webbed feet all at the same time.
Coffee is a major food group.
You can wear socks with your sandals and shorts with your parka.
You can go to the Seattle Rain Festival--starts in January & ends in December.
The four seasons are rainy, rainier, sunbreaks and rain, and construction.
And, no matter how much you try, you can’t drive as fast as the Canadians.
OR
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where:
You’re willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
You’ve experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
The 4 seasons are: very warm but tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU FRICK’N KIDDING ME??!!
OR
You can retire to California where:
You make $250,000/year and still can’t afford to buy a house.
The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
You know how to eat an artichoke.
You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
OR
You can retire to New York City where:
You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
You think Central Park is "nature."
You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
You’ve worn out a car horn (if you have a car).
You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
OR
You can retire to Minnesota where:
You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
You have more than one recipe for casserole, which you call "hot pot."
Sexy lingerie is anything made of flannel with less than eight buttons.
The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.
OR
You can retire to the Deep South where:
You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
"Y’all" is singular and "all y’all" is plural.
"He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Ray, Bonnie Sue, Betty Jean, etc.
Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It’s important to know the difference, too.
OR
You can retire to Colorado where:
You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
A pass does not involve a football or dating.
The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.
The seasons are: Hiking, Feels Like Snow, Snow, Melt/Snow/Melt.
OR
You can retire to the rural Midwest where:
You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
You end sentences with a preposition, like, "Where’s my coat at?"
When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
You actually believe you don't have an accent when you speak.
Your favorite church hymn is #372, "In Heaven There is No Beer."
Badgers and Wolverines fight with each other for sport.
Lutherans are the strongest gang and have the best colors.
OR
You can retire to Florida where:
You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon, to catch the early bird special.
All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
You’ve gotten used to having bugs in the kitchen, and lizards and snakes in the yard.
The seasons are: Early Summer, High Summer, Late Summer, and Not Summer.
OR
You can retire to northern Michigan where:
You don’t take your dog(s) to the vet when they return home with two hundred porcupine quills in their mouths, nose, gums, and tongue, because it happens too often to pay that much money, so you hold them down with scissors and pliers and do it yourself.
Your trashcans/bags at the end of your driveway are in a protective structure in order to keep wildlife out, up to the size of a raccoon, because the bears will tear down any defense you build anyway.
Locals fall into three categories: Yoopers (live north of the Mackinaw bridge), Trolls (live under/just south of the bridge), and Fudgies (downstaters on vacation).
You know why downstaters are called Fudgies (their specialty is Mackinaw fudge).
Snowfall is measured for the season in tens of feet.
"Pasties" are what's for dinner, not something stuck on strippers.
OR
You can retire to Massachusetts . . .
but I can’t think of one reason why you would. Ever.
Where You Can Retire In the USA
There is no perfect place to live in the USA. Sure, you probably have your idea of where "God’s country" is, but at best it only comes close to paradise; every place has drawbacks to offset its advantages. Hawaii, for example, has the kind of climate most of us would enjoy, but the cost of living there is terrible, because anything that can’t be made or grown locally has to be transported across the ocean. And every part of the nation has to deal with natural disasters at one time or another: blizzards, tornadoes, floods, etc. I heard once that when it comes to natural disasters, Utah is probably the safest state, because hurricanes, earthquakes and volcanoes never strike there -- but Utah still gets some fierce thunderstorms.
Anyway, if you are looking for a place to retire, here is what you can expect from several retirement havens.
You can retire to Seattle where:
You can rust, grow moss on your back and webbed feet all at the same time.
Coffee is a major food group.
You can wear socks with your sandals and shorts with your parka.
You can go to the Seattle Rain Festival--starts in January & ends in December.
The four seasons are rainy, rainier, sunbreaks and rain, and construction.
And, no matter how much you try, you can’t drive as fast as the Canadians.
OR
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where:
You’re willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
You’ve experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
The 4 seasons are: very warm but tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU FRICK’N KIDDING ME??!!
OR
You can retire to California where:
You make $250,000/year and still can’t afford to buy a house.
The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
You know how to eat an artichoke.
You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
OR
You can retire to New York City where:
You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
You think Central Park is "nature."
You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
You’ve worn out a car horn (if you have a car).
You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
OR
You can retire to Minnesota where:
You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
You have more than one recipe for casserole, which you call "hot pot."
Sexy lingerie is anything made of flannel with less than eight buttons.
The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.
OR
You can retire to the Deep South where:
You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
"Y’all" is singular and "all y’all" is plural.
"He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Ray, Bonnie Sue, Betty Jean, etc.
Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It’s important to know the difference, too.
OR
You can retire to Colorado where:
You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
A pass does not involve a football or dating.
The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.
The seasons are: Hiking, Feels Like Snow, Snow, Melt/Snow/Melt.
OR
You can retire to the rural Midwest where:
You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
You end sentences with a preposition, like, "Where’s my coat at?"
When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
You actually believe you don't have an accent when you speak.
Your favorite church hymn is #372, "In Heaven There is No Beer."
Badgers and Wolverines fight with each other for sport.
Lutherans are the strongest gang and have the best colors.
OR
You can retire to Florida where:
You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon, to catch the early bird special.
All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
You’ve gotten used to having bugs in the kitchen, and lizards and snakes in the yard.
The seasons are: Early Summer, High Summer, Late Summer, and Not Summer.
OR
You can retire to northern Michigan where:
You don’t take your dog(s) to the vet when they return home with two hundred porcupine quills in their mouths, nose, gums, and tongue, because it happens too often to pay that much money, so you hold them down with scissors and pliers and do it yourself.
Your trashcans/bags at the end of your driveway are in a protective structure in order to keep wildlife out, up to the size of a raccoon, because the bears will tear down any defense you build anyway.
Locals fall into three categories: Yoopers (live north of the Mackinaw bridge), Trolls (live under/just south of the bridge), and Fudgies (downstaters on vacation).
You know why downstaters are called Fudgies (their specialty is Mackinaw fudge).
Snowfall is measured for the season in tens of feet.
"Pasties" are what's for dinner, not something stuck on strippers.
OR
You can retire to Massachusetts . . .
but I can’t think of one reason why you would. Ever.
Subject: The Jewish Tie Salesman
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little, old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack…selling ties!
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, " ***! Infidel! I do not need such an overpriced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!"
"Sorry, I have none, just ties…pure silk, and only $5."
"Baahhh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but…I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go in Peace."
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie?"
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little, old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack…selling ties!
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted hysterically, " ***! Infidel! I do not need such an overpriced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!"
"Sorry, I have none, just ties…pure silk, and only $5."
"Baahhh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but…I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go in Peace."
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie?"
- 2,623
That's hilarious.
- 5,290
I've got a joke.
Farmers agents in my area have been writing terrible commercial insurance policies with improper coverage.
That's it. That's the whole joke. I guess it's not really funny, but there you go.
Farmers agents in my area have been writing terrible commercial insurance policies with improper coverage.
That's it. That's the whole joke. I guess it's not really funny, but there you go.
tikibarrister
Guru
- 472
Here's an old favorite of mine...
A Hindu, a Jew, and a life insurance agent are driving out in the boondocks when their car breaks down. There's no cell phone coverage but they see a light at a nearby farmer's house. Trudging over, they knock.
The farmer answers the door and says he doesn't have a phone, but can give them a ride into town. "Too late for that tonight," he says. "But you can sleep here. However, I don't have room for all of you to sleep in the house. One of you wil have to sleep in the barn."
They draw straws and the Hindu heads to the barn. Everyone settles down for sleep, but moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the Hindu. "It's against my religious beliefs to sleep with a cow."
The Jew and the life insurance agent flip a coin, the Jew heads to the barn. Everyone settles down for sleep, but moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the Jew. "It's against my religious beliefs to sleep with a pig."
The life insurance agent shrugs and heads to the barn. Everyone settles down for sleep, but moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig...
A Hindu, a Jew, and a life insurance agent are driving out in the boondocks when their car breaks down. There's no cell phone coverage but they see a light at a nearby farmer's house. Trudging over, they knock.
The farmer answers the door and says he doesn't have a phone, but can give them a ride into town. "Too late for that tonight," he says. "But you can sleep here. However, I don't have room for all of you to sleep in the house. One of you wil have to sleep in the barn."
They draw straws and the Hindu heads to the barn. Everyone settles down for sleep, but moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the Hindu. "It's against my religious beliefs to sleep with a cow."
The Jew and the life insurance agent flip a coin, the Jew heads to the barn. Everyone settles down for sleep, but moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the Jew. "It's against my religious beliefs to sleep with a pig."
The life insurance agent shrugs and heads to the barn. Everyone settles down for sleep, but moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig...
- 2,623
PLAIN ENGLISH HOMEOWNERS POLICY
For a period of ___year(s) ending promptly at midnight, Standard time on ________________
Property Location:_____________________________
AMOUNT OF INSURANCE YOU BOUGHT: $___________________ BLANKET ON YOUR HOUSE, ALL THE ACCUMULATED FURNITURE AND STUFF INSIDE YOUR HOUSE, YOUR GARAGE (the one where you park your car, not Al's Body Shop) AND ANY OTHER SMALL BUILDING ON THE LOT, AND WHAT IT COSTS EXTRA TO LIVE WHEN YOUR HOUSE IS BURNED DOWN OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT HAPPENS, FOR SO LONG AS WE SAY IT'S OK.
WE ALSO WILL DEFEND YOU IN COURT IF SOMEBODY MAKES A CLAIM AGAINST YOU, OR PAY THE DAMAGES, AND WE'LL PAY THE MEDICAL BILLS OF SOME PEOPLE WHO GET HURT ACCIDENTALLY AT YOUR PLACE, OR SOME OTHER PLACE.
(We could spell it all out in detail, but you wouldn't understand one word of it anyway. We had to hire ten lawyers just to figure this out after we wrote it!)
CONDITIONS:
1. If anything happens and it looks like it's going to cost you money, call us right away and we'll tell you if we're apt to pay for it.
2. Our agent has already told you this is the new "all risk" policy, but even he doesn't know what he's selling, so if you have any questions, call or write to us, not some insurance salesman.
3. Don't lie to us about what happened or how much something cost or how new it is or how it never leaked before. If you try to snow us, we'll not only cancel this policy so fast it'll make your head swim, we'll pass the word around and you won't ever be able to get an insurance policy again short of the Hong Kong Mutual. There are so many regulations, and an Insurance Commissioner who thinks he's king, that we can't lie to you. So don't you give us any song and dance or we'll land on you hard.
4. Replacement Cost: forget it. You don't need it. We'll pay what we say is fair with or without any "Replacement Cost coverage," and we don't care what your neighbor's policy has on it.
5. The "AMOUNT OF INSURANCE YOU BOUGHT" listed above is the absolute cost we will pay no matter what your house and other stuff is worth or however many people sue you for any one accident, so you'd better be sure you have bought enough to cover the worst disaster that you can imagine. Don't depend on our agent for this! If he had any imagination, he'd find an honest occupation.
6. Don't bother us with a lot of questions about what is and isn't covered by this insurance. We'll tell you when you need to know. If we told you now you'd forget it in an hour, if you ever understood it in the first place.
7. YOUR DUTIES: (1) Pay the premium, and (2) call us right away when you think something's happened (don't try to analyze it, just call in.) That's all you gotta do. Don't try to get cute; see (3) above, in case you have forgotten already (which doesn't surprise us.)
8. If we think of any additional conditions, we'll let you know. By the way, if what happens involves a vehicle, airplane or boat or has to do with your job, forget it; don't call us; we don’t cover it.
For a period of ___year(s) ending promptly at midnight, Standard time on ________________
Property Location:_____________________________
AMOUNT OF INSURANCE YOU BOUGHT: $___________________ BLANKET ON YOUR HOUSE, ALL THE ACCUMULATED FURNITURE AND STUFF INSIDE YOUR HOUSE, YOUR GARAGE (the one where you park your car, not Al's Body Shop) AND ANY OTHER SMALL BUILDING ON THE LOT, AND WHAT IT COSTS EXTRA TO LIVE WHEN YOUR HOUSE IS BURNED DOWN OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT HAPPENS, FOR SO LONG AS WE SAY IT'S OK.
WE ALSO WILL DEFEND YOU IN COURT IF SOMEBODY MAKES A CLAIM AGAINST YOU, OR PAY THE DAMAGES, AND WE'LL PAY THE MEDICAL BILLS OF SOME PEOPLE WHO GET HURT ACCIDENTALLY AT YOUR PLACE, OR SOME OTHER PLACE.
(We could spell it all out in detail, but you wouldn't understand one word of it anyway. We had to hire ten lawyers just to figure this out after we wrote it!)
CONDITIONS:
1. If anything happens and it looks like it's going to cost you money, call us right away and we'll tell you if we're apt to pay for it.
2. Our agent has already told you this is the new "all risk" policy, but even he doesn't know what he's selling, so if you have any questions, call or write to us, not some insurance salesman.
3. Don't lie to us about what happened or how much something cost or how new it is or how it never leaked before. If you try to snow us, we'll not only cancel this policy so fast it'll make your head swim, we'll pass the word around and you won't ever be able to get an insurance policy again short of the Hong Kong Mutual. There are so many regulations, and an Insurance Commissioner who thinks he's king, that we can't lie to you. So don't you give us any song and dance or we'll land on you hard.
4. Replacement Cost: forget it. You don't need it. We'll pay what we say is fair with or without any "Replacement Cost coverage," and we don't care what your neighbor's policy has on it.
5. The "AMOUNT OF INSURANCE YOU BOUGHT" listed above is the absolute cost we will pay no matter what your house and other stuff is worth or however many people sue you for any one accident, so you'd better be sure you have bought enough to cover the worst disaster that you can imagine. Don't depend on our agent for this! If he had any imagination, he'd find an honest occupation.
6. Don't bother us with a lot of questions about what is and isn't covered by this insurance. We'll tell you when you need to know. If we told you now you'd forget it in an hour, if you ever understood it in the first place.
7. YOUR DUTIES: (1) Pay the premium, and (2) call us right away when you think something's happened (don't try to analyze it, just call in.) That's all you gotta do. Don't try to get cute; see (3) above, in case you have forgotten already (which doesn't surprise us.)
8. If we think of any additional conditions, we'll let you know. By the way, if what happens involves a vehicle, airplane or boat or has to do with your job, forget it; don't call us; we don’t cover it.
- 4,023
This is a joke, right?
SUPERSEX
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the
halls in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her
nightgown and say "Supersex." She ran up to an elderly man in a
wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the
halls in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her
nightgown and say "Supersex." She ran up to an elderly man in a
wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
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