The Lighter side of Universal Healthcare

Mar 13, 2007

  1. Sam
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    http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/i_dont_want_health_care_if_just

    I don't want healthcare is just anyone can have it!
    As a concerned citizen, I must voice my adamant disapproval of the "universal health care" proposals we've been hearing so much about. I don't have any gripes with expanding and improving health coverage, per se. It's the "universal" part that irks me. Providing health care for all would completely undermine the whole idea of health care. If every last one of the 40 million uninsured bozos in this country is going to get access to the vast, virtually unnavigable system of medical care we chosen few now enjoy, then I no longer even want it.

    When hospital administrators see me flash my Blue Cross card, it means something. It tells the world, "Hey, look at me: I pay increasingly high monthly premiums, submit to annual exams, and claim any health-related expenditures over seven percent of my yearly income on my taxes, and you can't." But when this bill passes, they'll be handing out insurance cards willy-nilly, and nobody will be able to tell the difference between someone who's had health coverage for 20 years and someone whose boss was compelled by law to provide it to all full-time employees.

    Then again, maybe they'll offer some sort of special Platinum Plus medical card. But I can't count on that.

    Health care is all about exclusivity, pure and simple. It's for a group of like-minded people bonded by the dream of only having to contribute a portion of their weekly wages to ensure unfettered access to a number of licensed health care professionals. If we change all that, health care will be about as elite as a public restroom, open to any yokel who waltzes into an emergency room and can legally establish California residency.

    Mark my words, this will completely destroy the allure of filling out all the necessary-but-time-consuming paperwork, choosing one primary care physician attached to one specific plan, and becoming eligible for prescription medications at a reduced rate.

    The only reason this is even being considered is because a majority of voters want it. Well, of course they do—they don't have it! But you don't see 33rd Degree Freemasons letting any old average citizen into their inner sanctum just because he's curious. And you won't catch me sharing my God-given right to affordable lifesaving medical procedures with every bum who's got a jones for another hepatitis vaccination. It's undignified.

    After all, how do I know I've made it in this world if I'm not able to enjoy something others can't?

    Lack of access to health care is the seventh leading cause of death in the country, and that says something. It doesn't get much more elite than being part of a club other people are literally dying to get into. So what incentive would there be if everyone were guaranteed equal health care, regardless of income, age, or employment status? Who would be left to proudly tell their grandchildren about the glory days of PPOs? That is a future I'd rather not imagine, thank you very much.

    So why the constant desire to guarantee basic yearly screenings and vital operations for all, thus creating some kind of ridiculous, unrealistic safety net? How will people fully appreciate the excellence of the American health care system without the constant threat of it being yanked away at any moment?

    If middle-class children are given government-subsidized medical coverage from the beginning, they won't have anything to look forward to when they get older. Though my offspring will never have to worry about desperately trying to scrape together the money for a hospital visit, it doesn't mean we should do away with the millions of other uninsured Americans who show them how privileged they are to have it in the first place.

    That's just a simple matter of respect.

    I urge all citizens of good sense to reject any universal health care plan that gets put forward. It's time to stand up for what's right, and protect our most respectable institutions. If we don't do it now, what will they tell us next—that everyone deserves a free public education and "the right" to a fair trial?
     
    Sam, Mar 13, 2007
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  2. CHUMPS FROM OXFORD
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    There are many passive-aggressive prevaricators who want to infantilize and corrupt the general public. One -- UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE -- is so predatory, it deserves special mention. As this letter will make clear, we must build a true community of spirit and purpose based on mutual respect and caring. Those who claim otherwise do so only to justify their own hate-filled vituperations. As if you didn't know, we can all have daydreams about Happy Fuzzy Purple Bunny Land, where everyone is caring, loving, and nice. Not only will those daydreams not come true, but I've repeatedly pointed out to UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE that it is so confident in its own intellectual and cultural paradigm that it is blind to global realities. That apparently didn't register with it, though. Oh, well; I guess UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE recently claimed that violence and prejudice are funny. I would have found this comment shocking had I not heard similar garbage from it a hundred times before. UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE keeps trying to make uncompanionable, unctuous maggots out to be something they're not. And if we don't remain eternally vigilant, it will indeed succeed. No one that I speak with or correspond with is happy about this situation. Of course, I don't speak or correspond with conceited survivalists, UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE's subordinates, or anyone else who fails to realize that UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE does not merely keep a close eye on those who look like they might think an unapproved thought. It does so consciously, deliberately, willfully, and methodically.
    UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE's double standards are merely a stalking horse. They mask its secret intention to create massive civil unrest. UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE is intellectually dishonest in everything it says and does. Although others may disagree with that claim, few would dispute that many people are shocked when I tell them that my message has always been that UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE can be so Pecksniffian, it would take your breath away. And I'm shocked that so many people are shocked. You see, I had thought everybody already knew that UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE thinks we want it to propound ideas that are widely perceived as representing outright nonrepresentationalism. Excuse me, but maybe it has been trying to convince us that it is the most recent incarnation of the Buddha. This pathetic attempt to teach the next generation how to hate -- and whom to hate -- deserves no comment other than to say that UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE is capable of only two things, namely whining and underhanded tricks.
    UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE is contemptible, disruptive, mephitic, brain-damaged, evil, and scabrous. Need I go on? UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE coins polysyllabic neologisms to make its opuscula sound like they're actually important. In fact, its treatises are filled to the brim with words that have yet to appear in any accepted dictionary.
    Although I can find only circumstantial evidence of misconduct and rule violations, were he alive today, Hideki Tojo would be UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE's most trustworthy ally. I can see Tojo joining forces with UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE to help it use both overt and covert deceptions to dilute the nation's sense of common purpose and shared sacrifice. If I, not being one of the many snarky cowards of this world, am doomed to dig my own grave and pay for the shovel, then UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE will obviously grasp at straws, trying to find increasingly wanton ways to use every conceivable form of diplomacy, deception, pressure, coercion, bribery, treason, and terror to enthrone falsehood in the very center of human thought before long. Contrast, for example, UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE's animadversions with those of ridiculous delinquents, and observe that there is no contrast. I, by (genuine) contrast, take the view that like a verbal magician, UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE knows how to lie without appearing to be lying, how to bury secrets in mountains of garbage-speak.
    UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE, get a life! Everybody is probably familiar with the cliche that UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE's machinations are just another signpost marking our long, steep cultural descent. Well, there's a lot of truth in that cliche.
    Although the dialectics of incomprehensible praxis will promote the irresponsible shenanigans of ugly bribe-seekers in the coming days, UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE wants us to emulate the White Queen from Lewis Carroll's Through the Looking Glass, who strives to believe "as many as six impossible things before breakfast". Then again, even the White Queen would have trouble believing that we should be grateful for the precious freedom to be robbed and kicked in the face by such a noble creature as UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE. I, speaking as someone who is not an overbearing social outcast, prefer to believe things that my experience tells me are true, such as that UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE has planted its thralls everywhere. You can find them in businesses, unions, activist organizations, tax-exempt foundations, professional societies, movies, schools, churches, and so on. Not only does this subversive approach enhance UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE's ability to terrorize our youngsters but it also provides irrefutable evidence that it says that the average working-class person can't see through its chicanery. That is the most despicable lie I have ever heard in my entire life. I am not trying to save the world -- I gave up that pursuit a long time ago. But I am trying to enhance people's curiosity, critical acumen, and aesthetic sensitivity. Isn't it historically demonstrated that UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE is hell-bent on suppressing our freedom? I ask, because it can't possibly believe that it is uneducated to question its exegeses. It's balmy, but it's not that balmy.
    UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE's behavior might be different if it were told that its apologues are a masterpiece of myopic antipluralism. Of course, as far as UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE's concerned, this fact will fall into the category of, "My mind is made up; don't confuse me with the facts." That's why I'm telling you that its catch-phrases are not an abstract problem. They have very concrete, immediate, and unpleasant consequences. For instance, if it continues to sue people at random, I will be obliged to do something about it. And you know me: I never neglect my obligations. We must overcome the fears that beset us every day of our lives. We must overcome the fear that UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE will blame those who have no power to change the current direction of events. And to overcome these fears, we must break the neck of UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE's policy of defeatism once and for all.
    The great irony is that while we do nothing, those who cover up UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE's criminal ineptitude are gloating and smirking. And they will keep on gloating and smirking until we act as a positive role model for younger people. I want to keep this brief: UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE's scribblings do not represent progress. They represent insanity masquerading as progress. So let me make it clear that one of the things I find quite interesting is listening to other people's takes on things. For instance, I recently overheard some folks remark that UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE says that it needs a little more time to clean up its act. As far as I'm concerned, UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE's time has run out. It has long been obvious to attentive observers that most pundits are uncertain about the magnitude of the threat posed by UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE's claims. But did you know that you don't know how tempted I am to sue the stuffing out of it? It doesn't want you to know that because the really interesting thing about all this is not that forbearance and kindly deportment are lost upon it. The interesting thing is that it commonly appoints ineffective people to important positions. It then ensures that these people stay in those positions because that makes it easy for it to usher in the rule of the Antichrist and the apocalyptic end times.
    UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE's compeers have learned their scripts well and the rhetoric comes gushing forth with little provocation. Wherever you look, you'll see UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE enforcing intolerance in the name of tolerance. You'll see it suppressing freedom in the name of freedom. And you'll see it crushing diversity of opinion in the name of diversity. Once again, UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE's adherents all look like UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE, think like UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE, act like UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE, and give me reason to drop to my knees and beg for mercy, just like UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE does. And all this in the name of -- let me see if I can get their propaganda straight -- brotherhood and service. Ha! One of the enduring effects of UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE's beliefs is surely the way they will turn once-flourishing neighborhoods into zones of violence, decay, and moral disregard. Due to the power relationship between the dominator and the dominated, if we show you, as dispassionately as possible, what kind of soporific thoughts UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE is thinking about these days, then the sea of isolationism, on which UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE so heavily relies, will begin to dry up.


    Sorry. I was a bit bored. I take this back. All of it.
     
  3. arnguy
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    melmuch3, methinks you meant to type "I don't want to have healthcare IF just anyone can have it.":noteworthy:
     
    arnguy, Mar 13, 2007
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  4. arnguy
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    Chumps from Oxford, I am glad that you take it all back. I was getting very nervous because it appeared that you may have suffered a case of intellectual logorreah....blah....blah.....blah. Or perhaps even worse that you have become a Luddite!:goofy:
     
    arnguy, Mar 13, 2007
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  5. CHUMPS FROM OXFORD
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    CHUMPS FROM OXFORD Guru

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    OK. I have to admit...that I had help.

    Scott Pakin is responsible. Check out the link and you'll understand what I mean. It's hilarious.

    http://www.pakin.org/complaint/
     
  6. arnguy
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    CHUMPS FROM OXFORD, thanks for the link. Yes, it is a scream.
     
    arnguy, Mar 13, 2007
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  7. arnguy
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    Gadzooks!! Your post spaced me out. Are you Chumps from Oxford, Mississipi:cool:
     
    arnguy, Mar 13, 2007
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  8. CHUMPS FROM OXFORD
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    No...Oxford, Ohio (Miami of Ohio)
     
  9. Crabcake Johnny
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    Kinda like living in Paris......Kentucky.
     
  10. johnrocks
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    or paris texas
     
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