- 30,589
A fellow joined a new HMO and went to the Dr. office. The Doc said " remove all your clothes and go over to that window and stick out your tongue". The patient asked why am I going to the window to stick out my tongue? Te Doc replied: "because, I'm mad at my neighbor".
Michigan State Police have announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles, with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 2 tons of heroin, $12 million in forged bills and a ring of 14 prostitutes, all in a housing project behind the Detroit Public Library.
Detroit folks were stunned. A community organizer said: 'We be shocked'. 'We never knowed we had a library . . . '
Detroit folks were stunned. A community organizer said: 'We be shocked'. 'We never knowed we had a library . . . '
Petra Filiz
New Member
- 18
A doctor rushes home in the middle of the day, bursts in the door and screams with excitement "Honey, pack your bags, I hit the lottery, I won millions, I'm closing the practice!!!"
His wife says with equal excitement "What do I pack for, the islands, Europe?
The doctor says " I don't care what you pack for just get the heck out!!!!"
His wife says with equal excitement "What do I pack for, the islands, Europe?
The doctor says " I don't care what you pack for just get the heck out!!!!"
Arriving in Heaven
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the swine clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some *** came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm bollock naked hiding in this cedar chest......"
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the swine clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some *** came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm bollock naked hiding in this cedar chest......"
webby
Expert
- 31
Mr. Smith was brought to the Hospital and taken quickly in for heart surgery. The operation went well and, as the old man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a sister of the hospital, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relative?" the nun questioned sternly.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinster - they are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relative?" the nun questioned sternly.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinster - they are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staf
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ____ ear."
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staf
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side."
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear."
The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question.
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ____ ear."
Question: Do you know what a woman and insurance have in common?
Answer: They are both expensive, difficult to understand and what you get is not guaranteed.
Question: Do you know the difference between a man and a whole life policy?
Answer: A whole life policy eventually matures.
Answer: They are both expensive, difficult to understand and what you get is not guaranteed.
Question: Do you know the difference between a man and a whole life policy?
Answer: A whole life policy eventually matures.
An Engineer was unemployed for long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for $500, if not treated get back $1,000."
One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000."
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000."
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Best Dear Abby Ever!!
Dear Abby,
My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge
credit card bills. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry
about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.
Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that
most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch
to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our
bills even more.
Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics
and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the
next he's on his knees 7 times a day with Muslims.
Finally, the last straw, he's demanding that before anyone can be in
the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy!
Can you help?
Signed,
Lost
____________________________________
Dear Lost,
Suck it up and stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the
White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for
everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want.
The rest of us are stuck with the *** for 2 more years.
Dear Abby,
My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge
credit card bills. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry
about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.
Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that
most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch
to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our
bills even more.
Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics
and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the
next he's on his knees 7 times a day with Muslims.
Finally, the last straw, he's demanding that before anyone can be in
the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy!
Can you help?
Signed,
Lost
____________________________________
Dear Lost,
Suck it up and stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the
White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for
everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want.
The rest of us are stuck with the *** for 2 more years.
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