- Thread starter
- #11
Please Critique My Follow Up Letter
- Thread starter Golddoor
- Start date
- 9,744
Ohhh your one of those huh?How many years of "experience"?
17 years in April 2008.
How 'bout you? Wanna compare insurance resumes? Or better yet results?
If you didn't want honest feedback, why did you ask in the first place?
- 10,276
Actually...I was just looking at it from a grammatical standpoint. And 2112 has a good point. The number of "I"s in your correspondence should never exceed the number of "You"s.
Quick points regarding your followup post....
"I hope things are going well for you and your family?"
That should be a statement, and not a question.
" have been trying to reach you by phone regarding your health insurance. It may be mutually beneficial for us to have the opportunity to meet, regarding your health insurance."
There are some other apostrophes and a question mark that should be eliminated.
A bit too redundant.
"I'm available for appointment's 8am-7pm, Monday- Friday and some weekend's"
Appointments and weekends are not possessive and the statement gives the impression you'll drop anything at any time for an appointment. I like the word "flexible."
And as I read my post, I realize I am probably causing more harm than good, so I'll stay on the sidelines on this one.
Quick points regarding your followup post....
"I hope things are going well for you and your family?"
That should be a statement, and not a question.
" have been trying to reach you by phone regarding your health insurance. It may be mutually beneficial for us to have the opportunity to meet, regarding your health insurance."
There are some other apostrophes and a question mark that should be eliminated.
A bit too redundant.
"I'm available for appointment's 8am-7pm, Monday- Friday and some weekend's"
Appointments and weekends are not possessive and the statement gives the impression you'll drop anything at any time for an appointment. I like the word "flexible."
And as I read my post, I realize I am probably causing more harm than good, so I'll stay on the sidelines on this one.
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- Thread starter
- #14
17 years wow thats impressive!
3 years here (2 life and 1 health)and not doing to bad for a rookie. I want honest feedback not insulted!!
- 9,744
17 years wow thats impressive!
OK, I give up - it's wonderful.
Don't know why I wasted my time, obviously you'll be out of the business in another year anyway.
Keep doin' what yer doin' - it's marvelous!!! Love the font!
PS-It's "too bad for a rookie".
- Thread starter
- #16
Whats funny is I have this feeling you would'nt be talking this way to me in person!!
- Staff
- #17
Yea he would....then he would try to sell you a bed ,bath and beyond gift certificate....
those of us are do not have to throw it up in peoples face.......unless you keep putting ones foot in ones mouth......
Ohhh your one of those huh?
those of us are do not have to throw it up in peoples face.......unless you keep putting ones foot in ones mouth......
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- 14,809
Ok, here's my 2 cents:
I personally do not mention that fact that I haven't been able to get a hold of them. That's a desperate and weak statement. You are also not mentioning a single reason they should call you - what do you offer?
I tried to upload my letter but keep getting an upload error so it's here: Free file hosting by Savefile.com
I personally do not mention that fact that I haven't been able to get a hold of them. That's a desperate and weak statement. You are also not mentioning a single reason they should call you - what do you offer?
I tried to upload my letter but keep getting an upload error so it's here: Free file hosting by Savefile.com
Alright I'll chime in as an English major ( don't correct my grammer or spelling I studied Children's Literature not grammer)
#1 Think of your letters as an upside down triangle. Start out very broad with a general statement. "Last week you received several comeptitive quotes that might have met your families insurance needs" They probably received quotes from multiple agents so this is rather vague. Then narrow things down to your plans (Aetna and Unicare). Finally narrow it further to you. Mention that you have been doing this for __ # of years and that you want to HELP them and will be calling soon to schedule a convenient time. Now you have started broad with a general statement and narrowed them down to you and your plans allowing them to come to the same conclusion.
#2. Keep paragraphs small no more than 3 sentences. Most people have a very small attention span and will not read a long letter. At minimum make it 3 paragraphs.
#3 Avoid the word I and do not include available times. You don't want it to look like you have no one else to talk to. Remember that your attitude when you write something will be reflected in the letter so try to be in a positive mood when you write things.
There is my 2 cents.
#1 Think of your letters as an upside down triangle. Start out very broad with a general statement. "Last week you received several comeptitive quotes that might have met your families insurance needs" They probably received quotes from multiple agents so this is rather vague. Then narrow things down to your plans (Aetna and Unicare). Finally narrow it further to you. Mention that you have been doing this for __ # of years and that you want to HELP them and will be calling soon to schedule a convenient time. Now you have started broad with a general statement and narrowed them down to you and your plans allowing them to come to the same conclusion.
#2. Keep paragraphs small no more than 3 sentences. Most people have a very small attention span and will not read a long letter. At minimum make it 3 paragraphs.
#3 Avoid the word I and do not include available times. You don't want it to look like you have no one else to talk to. Remember that your attitude when you write something will be reflected in the letter so try to be in a positive mood when you write things.
There is my 2 cents.
- 7,790
Golddoor, you maybe should try something a bit subtle. Send a postcard saying "IMPORTANT news on your health plan! Have been unable to reach you by phone. Please call 1-800-xxx-xxxx." If that doesn't get a response, then scrub them from your list of prospects.
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